ImagineMyThoughtsInWords

If we never met?  There'd be a me still, more stressed, laughing less with no smile to look forward to. Picture that, an anxious me, stagnant paralyzed in the same place with no awkward memory like how I met you. I think I've stopped wishing for things to happen. I want things I can have now. Your energy, your hand, your hair, your smile...  I think I'm ahead of myself sometimes. I know my patterns. As many times as I can I'll do it, preach to people that don't know me about habits and patterns and how I'll never bend to that silliness again. It is a form of consistency and commitment that does not appeal to me, and yet here we are again, same damn thing just a different year and in the middle of a global pandemic to top it all off. Congratulations Miss Thang! At this point we might as well just raise a glass champaign darling like Leonardo DiCaprio and toast to me because yes ladies and gentlemen, Katleho has done it again, fallen in the hole of LDs. I realise ...

I've imagined my life with love these past few weeks. At some point, which is a point I'm still on, I'm running. The funny thing is, if you'd asked me what it was I wanted a month ago, I'd have said ''to be alone'', unprovoked and as blunt as I could say it. This one time, I went through my notes and found some old letters I'd written to a love that was perfect then. I say this because, I'm more of a moment girl now. There's a strange freedom and untainted peace in feeling completely, absolutely and certainly for that second or minute or hour. I found it disturbing, feeling all over again, all those "loves" that broke something in me. I'll admit this last one injected a little more fear. You know, it's not the fear of meeting someone new, or falling because it is bound to happen sooner or later. I have this fear of an impending doom.  It's like setting in place a day of execution before the crime is committed and a s...

I have been wanting for so long to write about what has been happening, the lessons more than the events themselves. The past few days I've realised, the perfect words do not exist, the words just have to make sense to the right people or person.  I woke up yesterday, feeling the same as any other day before that; uncertain, wanting so bad to be unbothered. It is 2 AM the next day and it took one moment of a genuine smile while staring in the mirror at my bare 'make-up free' face to remember that it's really not that bad. If you asked me last week what I was feeling, my first emotion would scream anger even the heavens would hear it. Anger like I'd never felt before; paralysing and coursing through my entire body. For the first time, this was a weekend I enjoyed fully and completely. I didn't have to hide. I enjoyed my music. I was taking walks and dancing on the side of the road. I was my weird self again. Now that I think about it, I think I might have taken t...

I lost. I lost deeply this week, so many battles. I can't even begin to tell you what it is I feel but the first thing I know is this loss I carry. April will be my undoing. I'm ruined, tortured and halfway through broken like its 2017 all over  again. I stand in this room and relive my routine every morning. It has no meaning, it surely does not benefit me anymore. I'm alone in this madness. Today I went crazy and I almost loved it. I sat at my table, beautiful view with nothing to see and no one to admire, and all I saw was my anxiety starring directly back at me. I was overwhelmed by tremendous fear. Oh Lucia, the sight of it crippled me. Suddenly my dream flashed back into my psyche. In this dream it was my brother, and for that I did nothing today but let my tears flow. I had this deadline hovering over my head, two more in a matter of 5 days and Hope, Baby Hope, at just 4 months had died without me even meeting her. Imagine, all that love, all that fragility ...

I think somehow my one fear almost came to pass, that I'd stop wanting and even knowing how to write. I think somehow I thought too much about it until I got comfortable convincing myself I'd forgotten completely.  Anyway, that's not what I want to share. So I realized over the past 4 months that life is quite funny to be honest. It is always playing some elaborate joke in between all the chaos of life. Look at me, completely shifted from what I thought was my reality last year. I can't even lie to myself and pretend I'm whole and untouched. My different, my change is rather scary this time around. The thought hasn't turned to feeling yet; that I can change again and understand love as a better person. Here's what I'm talking about. Last year I spent a majority of my time being what I would call 'a spokesperson of Love'. I think a lot of us experience a little drift from the feeling and the act of actual love. I've accepted that for me...

So I would've loved to write this just about a week before the year officially ends, but, considering I'm officially done with examinations, I find the concept very fitting. I'm leaving Windhoek in 4 days for home. So, I felt like using this moment to reflect a bit on this year that seemed to pass by so quickly, and my time in Namibia for the first time. I have to say I am glad I won't be a newbie anymore. I came here with a lot of expectations and I never realized how much being in a different setting would force me to explore more, specifically about myself. A lot has changed since January 20th and my goodness!, some of the changes have become new anxiety triggers. It was hard adjusting to the fact that I'd ever get to go home after 6 months. It feels lonely half the time I won't lie but I'm proud of myself for having managed thus far. My greatest battle was meeting new people and being open enough to establish some form of trust. I told myself way too ...

I'd like to think I'm a bold person. I've taken a chance on something people don't understand. I realized that mostly I downplay how it actually feels so people don't find me delusional and sappy. I've come to love it and it is because I chose it. We criticize the things we don't understand and things we really haven't experienced. This week I've wanted one thing only, and so far I've found myself speaking about this one thing trying to express just how it is possible. Someone I've come to respect   asked, how do I know for sure it will work? The thing is, I do not but what I believe is that love is a sure feeling, or as Miguel says, "...a sure thing". The guarantee that it will stay in the same place forever is unknown. Relationships are tricky for most parts especially something like what I have, but personally I've grown to understand that I first needed to be open to something like this. I didn't have expectations; I ...