Dear 2019, Oh What A Bloody Year!

So I would've loved to write this just about a week before the year officially ends, but, considering I'm officially done with examinations, I find the concept very fitting. I'm leaving Windhoek in 4 days for home. So, I felt like using this moment to reflect a bit on this year that seemed to pass by so quickly, and my time in Namibia for the first time. I have to say I am glad I won't be a newbie anymore. I came here with a lot of expectations and I never realized how much being in a different setting would force me to explore more, specifically about myself. A lot has changed since January 20th and my goodness!, some of the changes have become new anxiety triggers. It was hard adjusting to the fact that I'd ever get to go home after 6 months. It feels lonely half the time I won't lie but I'm proud of myself for having managed thus far. My greatest battle was meeting new people and being open enough to establish some form of trust. I told myself way too many times that the walls needed to be up, so much that it became insatiably terrifying to pull them back down. The day I left home, I told everyone I didn't want friends, but life will surprise you sometimes. I learned to love again; this was definitely the highlight of my entire year. I loved so much, so hard and so fiercely. The circumstances didn't sway me from it. The best thing about it was how effortless it was, how much of me I got to keep. Although every relationship endures, I think we did pretty well.

Anyway, I always think what it'll be like now to be home for this long. I mean, back in June I only got to spend a week in Lesotho, which did not sit well with me but... Now I'll have close to 3 months at home before the chaos starts again. I wonder what I will find. But, a few things are for sure; 

1. I'll be leaving behind a few people here that I'll probably no longer have relations with in the coming year.

2. I will definitely leave my walls here.

3. The mistakes and negative patterns of others that I tolerated and some of my own will no longer have room in my life.

People have asked me, "how is Namibia?" Well, it's hot, it's dry, it's expensive, it's big, it's not too loud but most importantly, it really is the land of the brave. 

So Dear 2019,

Thank you for being the best and slightly worst year so far. It wasn't as bad as 2017 but you did knock me down a few times and I struggled there a bit. Thank you for love, received both from others and from self. I have the rest of November to accommodate you and a full December to completely decide if you are one to remember. I met incredible people that I'll treasure for as long as they continue to experience me, but I'm also not so regretful of everyone that didn't endure the process longer. Just as much as I have had others respect my personal choices, I've had to do the same for them. I can only wish love and peace on everyone, Always (even when I cuss some of them out before).