Dear Lucia, God waved His Hand today.

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I lost. I lost deeply this week, so many battles. I can't even begin to tell you what it is I feel but the first thing I know is this loss I carry. April will be my undoing. I'm ruined, tortured and halfway through broken like its 2017 all over  again. I stand in this room and relive my routine every morning. It has no meaning, it surely does not benefit me anymore. I'm alone in this madness. Today I went crazy and I almost loved it. I sat at my table, beautiful view with nothing to see and no one to admire, and all I saw was my anxiety starring directly back at me. I was overwhelmed by tremendous fear. Oh Lucia, the sight of it crippled me. Suddenly my dream flashed back into my psyche. In this dream it was my brother, and for that I did nothing today but let my tears flow. I had this deadline hovering over my head, two more in a matter of 5 days and Hope, Baby Hope, at just 4 months had died without me even meeting her. Imagine, all that love, all that fragility you and I never saw and never will Lucia. I think children don't need mothers as much as mothers need their children. Today was her farewell. Her mother, our best friend of 11 years will never see her baby girl again. I broke down. So far from home, sending spiritual hugs and exchanging texts, that could surely never be enough. Imagine all that empty space. Who fills the void when you're not here Hope? She loved that name. She watches way too many stories about vampires and wolves that I'm certain she had hoped to pass onto you, and like the Michaelson one, you were her littlest wolf. Lucia, I used to channel you so easily. You deal so well with pain and pressure and thrill of both at the same time. I understood my twins pain today. Though not all her pains and spinal discomfort, her depression seared into me. For a minute I felt a little hypocritical. I always tell her, "call me when you need to talk. when you feel you just can't handle it." There I was, my hand to my chest as if it was some form of vacuum to collect the pieces of my heart that were tearing me asunder. I spoke to Bobby two days before. He broke my heart with his broken heart and spirit. I can't fix it for him but I take comfort in knowing that this part of my life is called 'I will always stay' and he will be great. I haven't prayed in a while. I can't tell you why, though I certainly hope you're doing better with faith than I am. I don't question God, I didn't stop believing yet he feels so far from me. Sometimes after I pray I wonder if I've spoken all my needs, if I put my words right, whether it is good enough for Him and for me to hold on to the little sanity and happiness I feel afterwards. I think for whatever reason and difference it makes, my father, my beautiful father reminds me to try and I find myself feeling His presence. I can't tell you what sense this makes but simply, there isn't a flesh and blood figure that mends me a little like my father does. Today, he said to me "Try", "Take heart baby it will be alright in time". All alone, with nowhere to go and no one to see, I deem it only reasonable to be a little off balance even if for a day. But Hope, I think she lives up to her name and  for that, never to be forgotten. 

Forever Our Angel...

(I hope everyone's well and taking extra care of themselves and their loved ones.)
Photograph  by: Me
Location: Ha Tsepo, Mohale's Hoek, Lesotho

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