ONE DAY - YESTERDAY

I have been wanting for so long to write about what has been happening, the lessons more than the events themselves. The past few days I've realised, the perfect words do not exist, the words just have to make sense to the right people or person. 

I woke up yesterday, feeling the same as any other day before that; uncertain, wanting so bad to be unbothered. It is 2 AM the next day and it took one moment of a genuine smile while staring in the mirror at my bare 'make-up free' face to remember that it's really not that bad. If you asked me last week what I was feeling, my first emotion would scream anger even the heavens would hear it. Anger like I'd never felt before; paralysing and coursing through my entire body. For the first time, this was a weekend I enjoyed fully and completely. I didn't have to hide. I enjoyed my music. I was taking walks and dancing on the side of the road. I was my weird self again. Now that I think about it, I think I might have taken this 'social distancing' thing a little too far. I stayed away from people and I wallowed in self pity and anger for far too long. I learnt something new on Saturday, met new people all in the space of exactly 2 days. I laughed and smiled without remembering what my demons had told me, that it'd be dark for a very long time. Last night, I danced, alone in my room, I danced like the walls did not exist, like the entire concept of tomorrow had been abolished. It was just me and me alone. I felt a sense of freedom I'd never felt. I felt single beyond the word. I danced my anger to its knees. It was begging me for mercy, to be spared of the dread and pain, and not the other way round. You see, I was reminded during the week what a beast I am. It wasn't how I realised how my parents individually expressed their love in just one week, or how comfortable I was knowing that Naledi has my back but understanding that I don't have to save face in the name of being the nice guy. I revisited a part of my past that ignited my passion for myself. I f*ck with me more than I ever have. Please note though, it is a work in progress, but I understand who I am; WHO THE F*CK I AM. I'm still not into people's expectations though, functioning on their time. I'm still bad at picking up calls or texting back, but that's because I don't want to be good at it. I want face to face. I want to see facial expressions when I tell you my weird theories, or the obvious rolling of eyes when we get to the astrology shit. I want you to understand just how angry I was that one day, to see that replay turn to laughter. I want to see the curves of people's smiles and endure sadness in real time, to read body language and appreciate the one thing we cannot take back and fix- time. The next people to come into my life have a lot to understand I suppose, being that a lot has changed, drastically so. I think it'd be unfair to still waste people's time. I understand the things I can change but don't want to and the things I cannot change. I told someone yesterday that I wasn't for the faint hearted and that they'd have to choose to that I'm one of the headaches they'd endure, not because they have, but because they want to. For what it's worth, I think the people that know me are quite strong and overall special, for not complaining because to be honest, even I complain to me about me sometimes (Lol). So I show appreciation right here, right now... Shout out for not putting a full stop to my madness but enduring with grace, unprovoked and with the utmost honesty. 

I wasn't lost yesterday. That one day, yesterday, it was just... calm.