Ugh,Those Feels Again.

I've imagined my life with love these past few weeks. At some point, which is a point I'm still on, I'm running. The funny thing is, if you'd asked me what it was I wanted a month ago, I'd have said ''to be alone'', unprovoked and as blunt as I could say it. This one time, I went through my notes and found some old letters I'd written to a love that was perfect then. I say this because, I'm more of a moment girl now. There's a strange freedom and untainted peace in feeling completely, absolutely and certainly for that second or minute or hour. I found it disturbing, feeling all over again, all those "loves" that broke something in me. I'll admit this last one injected a little more fear. You know, it's not the fear of meeting someone new, or falling because it is bound to happen sooner or later. I have this fear of an impending doom.  It's like setting in place a day of execution before the crime is committed and a sentence has been passed. What happens in the end this time? Will there even be an end? I wonder if I'm the only person that finds this process suffocating. The 'how many more do I need to go through before I find my home.' It's the anxiety - a crippling fear of the unknown. The annoying thing about being single is anticipating the same cycle again. Boy meets girl, they like each other, they date, and happily ever is energy and time, communication, comprehension and all the effort. I say love is the fastest way to die, Sza says ''Love will make it hard to stay sober.''

Now, imagine, I've been going through a period of ''don't catch fucking feelings'' and it is going downhill so quickly. The best thing is that I'm less ruthless and getting back to my emotional corny self again. All I want to do is listen to soundcloud and write about a love I want. Normally these would be plans for next year, but I'm drifting a little. 

So, here's a funny story, Aus' Katleho went out drinking Saturday night. As expected, you drink, you get drunk. So much was going on to be honest and I was deeply in my ''don't catch gotdamn feelings'' mood. After I probably offended someone (I'd say I broke their heart but I'd need big ass balls for that), I walked my drunk behind to the ladies and ya girl was in the talking to the Lordt about a man I'd never met.

Now, my roommate and I had been talking during that week about how important it is to send out energies and declarations to the universe (God). Tell the universe what kind of man/woman you want and be specific. Now, Moghel was in the ladies doing just that. (I'd put emojis in this but oh well).

I'm still so thrown about what happened after. It did, however, put my internal conflict at ease. As terrifying as it is, I have to certainly be prepared for it. I've been in a love hate relationship with feelings and affection for the longest time, enough to also know that the Gemini in me might change my gotdamn mind after writing this little letter and raise fingers at the concept of finding love in the 21st Century social media covid times.

Picture by: Me.

Rundu, Kavango River Lodge.