ImagineMyThoughtsInWords

I think somehow my one fear almost came to pass, that I'd stop wanting and even knowing how to write. I think somehow I thought too much about it until I got comfortable convincing myself I'd forgotten completely.  Anyway, that's not what I want to share. So I realized over the past 4 months that life is quite funny to be honest. It is always playing some elaborate joke in between all the chaos of life. Look at me, completely shifted from what I thought was my reality last year. I can't even lie to myself and pretend I'm whole and untouched. My different, my change is rather scary this time around. The thought hasn't turned to feeling yet; that I can change again and understand love as a better person. Here's what I'm talking about. Last year I spent a majority of my time being what I would call 'a spokesperson of Love'. I think a lot of us experience a little drift from the feeling and the act of actual love. I've accepted that for me...

So I would've loved to write this just about a week before the year officially ends, but, considering I'm officially done with examinations, I find the concept very fitting. I'm leaving Windhoek in 4 days for home. So, I felt like using this moment to reflect a bit on this year that seemed to pass by so quickly, and my time in Namibia for the first time. I have to say I am glad I won't be a newbie anymore. I came here with a lot of expectations and I never realized how much being in a different setting would force me to explore more, specifically about myself. A lot has changed since January 20th and my goodness!, some of the changes have become new anxiety triggers. It was hard adjusting to the fact that I'd ever get to go home after 6 months. It feels lonely half the time I won't lie but I'm proud of myself for having managed thus far. My greatest battle was meeting new people and being open enough to establish some form of trust. I told myself way too ...

I'd like to think I'm a bold person. I've taken a chance on something people don't understand. I realized that mostly I downplay how it actually feels so people don't find me delusional and sappy. I've come to love it and it is because I chose it. We criticize the things we don't understand and things we really haven't experienced. This week I've wanted one thing only, and so far I've found myself speaking about this one thing trying to express just how it is possible. Someone I've come to respect   asked, how do I know for sure it will work? The thing is, I do not but what I believe is that love is a sure feeling, or as Miguel says, "...a sure thing". The guarantee that it will stay in the same place forever is unknown. Relationships are tricky for most parts especially something like what I have, but personally I've grown to understand that I first needed to be open to something like this. I didn't have expectations; I ...

I realize just how much I enjoy learning from others. I spoke to Neo today (almost all day) about our different lives and let me tell you something, I don't take these types of talks lightly. So, back track to 2016, this girl asked me to give her my black dress (which I was wearing at the time) and she kept asking for it every time we'd bump into each other. So fast forward to 2017, I made a decision that landed me where I am today. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. Neo and I have this in common. I spent most of my 2018 being anxious about what people would say or think about the decision to leave varsity to go to another one. Here's what I told myself: - Life does not sit and wait for you to be ready to be who you were meant to be: I realized I grew up being judged so much that I was doing it to myself, which hindered my hesitation to step out of my shell and make choices that I would reflect on and feel at easy with myself. - I am the one suffering just being in an env...

I've chosen to push myself towards the young woman I've seen 5 years from now. She's much bolder. She's much lighter and clearer than the one trying to find her way 1,700km away from home, in a place where she has herself and herself alone to bury her troubles. Back there, they think I have fun here because I love it, but the reality is only my spiralling battle with trust; trust of others' opinions, their intentions, their presence, just trust in people as a whole. I'm crippled with trying to be a people reading genius, but I realize it is a tactic to remind myself that everyone has foul intentions, to keep away from them so I remember to keep to self. It is an unsolicited truth, I do love it here. But it is these thoughts that keep me up at night. I run from them by writing about what I think I know, Love. Tumelo didn't know that I have deeper fears. These are constant replays, demons singing everytime I get closer to wanting something. I think and ...

I love a lot, myself perhaps and a couple of undeserving people. I believe I've mastered myself, more so every month. I've learnt to say to myself that I understand what the world is about but find it suffocating to share my thoughts with others. The difference in experience is a major contributor. I ramble a lot about inner sense that makes less sense, and by that I mean, sometimes I know what I'm talking about but I hardly understand it. This week the devil of depression is knocking hard on my door. All I want to do is cry. I have a fear for knives but believe me that I'm the cook of the house. I'm strung out on images of the possibilities of things going purposefully wrong. I can excuse my behavior but I'm tested everyday. I wake up with nothing to look forward to. I don't open the curtains until 1 in the afternoon, because from 8am to 12pm I plot on where to find the courage to get out of bed. I dread going to bed at night knowing that morning co...

This week I thought of you a lot. I noticed how my lack of trust with people accelerates because of all the faces I see everyday. Yours is still the one I look for. It's a slight madness really, trying to find something I know I won't. Nay says to me frequently how she wants something like this. The other day, I told her not to wish for this tragedy I call love. People don't know I've not met you yet. Imagine, 9 months I've loved you without pause and I still know nothing of the scars on your face (if you have any at all), what the palms of your hands feel like or really just what it feels like to walk in your presence. Who in their right mind would volunteer for this torture? So I took a walk a few days back, and I thought of all the things that will hurt when we eventually meet. I thought of the limited time, I thought of the things you might not like, the things I might not like, I thought of how your smile will hurt... no really, this was it. It'll only l...