I Spoke To Gina About The Root Of Her Insanity

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I've chosen to push myself towards the young woman I've seen 5 years from now. She's much bolder. She's much lighter and clearer than the one trying to find her way 1,700km away from home, in a place where she has herself and herself alone to bury her troubles. Back there, they think I have fun here because I love it, but the reality is only my spiralling battle with trust; trust of others' opinions, their intentions, their presence, just trust in people as a whole. I'm crippled with trying to be a people reading genius, but I realize it is a tactic to remind myself that everyone has foul intentions, to keep away from them so I remember to keep to self. It is an unsolicited truth, I do love it here. But it is these thoughts that keep me up at night. I run from them by writing about what I think I know, Love.
Tumelo didn't know that I have deeper fears. These are constant replays, demons singing everytime I get closer to wanting something. I think and think and think until the thought is as thin as paper. I am in constant fear of the things I want to do with my life. I am in fear of what my potential is.

I am afraid of speaking in front of that camera, that's why I don't do videos or even try large audience interactions.
I panick at the thought of an arrogantly sounding caption because the world I live in is unforgiving and a fear having it over my head.
I am afraid of being more afraid tomorrow, to handle shit, to walk out my room to take photos, to conquer the root of my fears. I want to let go of certain mentalities. I hate the company I afford my demons. Pain does not inspire me and no I do not thrive on it. He said to me I was limitless, and since then I've come up with reasons how I couldn't be. You see, to him, I'm better because of my flaws that I wear on my shoulders, they are what make me ME. Deep down I'm crying to escape the walls I've created in my subconscious, because with this he tells no lie. I've defied my odds with every waking day. I still questioned his intentions though, what has he found about me that has kept him with me? If he found out about all my fears, would he still love a girl who's greatest fear is to be directionless?" In my lonesome we have these talks, and in my mind, his response is why love is a faster murderer. So I speak less of my dreams and aspirations. It is an even deeper fear, A FEAR tangled around DOUBT that I'd ever get them, a form of self loathing I suppose. I question my worth of these beautiful offerings life gives, then I pause to contemplate. I suppose this is no practice of self love, self worth, self respect or any other self related affection at all. I realize I bully myself into a dark place of refusing myself what is due to me.

But you know what, after I spoke ny fears out loud to Self, not having them become the skeletons of my thoughts, I was proud. I reeked of relief and I knew where I stood with myself. You see, I did not filter the truth of my reality because it suited me, I only came to terms with the fact that there's no progress in growth if I decorate my lies so they feel comfortable. 🔔

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