CYCLES

I was never me as you've come to know me. I'm skeptical sitting here trying to tell you of all the things to expect. Yet at the same time, I want to give you plenty of time to leave, to run away from me - a chance to save yourself and me. You see, I grew up a broken little girl. Giving little to no love at all and receiving just as much. I didn't want it anyway. I didn't know why everyone needed it, when all people do is leave. Even the obligation of a parent loving their child seemed quite fickle and conditional.

I am a product of how love traumatized me. My first love left me at my softest, for a few years, alone and stranded. My second one didn't love me like I did him, or if at all he did I might never know. Look at me now, sitting here beside you ripping my soul apart, completely bare and exposed to you.

But you'll leave too, eventually at some point, but in the meantime you'll be here. I'll spend that time with you being exactly what you desire. As for me, I'll try to love you to fill this space where there's not a lot, putting you above me because it feels good to be reckless with myself for you, before you decide to leave too.

I dream of someone that is mine. Completely obsessed with everything that is both seen and hidden from him and the world. He'll hold my hand at traffic lights to remind me of the presence of his gentle manliness. He'll sing to me his favorite song, drunk, high and naked in the middle of the room on the carpet. He'll frown at my absence in public spaces and assert his stance where others watch, "un-phased" by what I'm doing, my nervous ticks and seeing him will put me at ease.

I'll think of him as beautiful. Never seen by most, but to me he'll be perfect. A fool I'll assume him to be, for loving me intently, at my height and lowest. We'll belong to each other. I'll love him for as long as he stays, hold him closer to my chest, on Sundays at 4pm playing Alina Baraz and Jeff Bernat. I'll stare down at myself, he'll retaliate by pretending to be Gemineye, begging for a penny for my thoughts, saying gently, 

"...Cuz I’m trying to get to know everything about you

From the neck UP..." 

And in that instant, with every word, he'll slowly walk closer towards me, to hold me and at the end of these words, he'll say my name, with a smurk and his beautiful smile. I'll think him a foolish man indeed, for liking the darkness that molds me, and just a general basic me. He'll be as bare as I am, freely opening the inner thoughts of his twisted mind. He'll trust me with his spirit, forever unwavering in who he chooses every morning. He'll reassure me of things that won't change, like how he couldn't possibly imagine loving anyone else as he does in that moment, and perhaps how he hates not being next to me.

So you too will leave, because at some point I'll expect all these from you, and love you just as hard and overwhelm you. You'll leave because we're all comfortably acquainted with shallow; being emotionally unchallenging with nothing to be twisted about together. My tragic story comes from the men I've loved with my soul, the ones I created space for and will never forget; from my beautiful father, my brother, down to that beautiful boy I loved desperately who loved me less than.

He unknowingly stole from me, something I'll expect you to give back. I still see him, everywhere. When I walk down my street, outside my kitchen window, in every song, every quote and in my writing. He's my ghost, following me everywhere I go, perfectly attached to me until I exhale the essence of him from my soul. So I'll let you stare into me, to pick the things you like, just as everyone before you. You'll pick the greatest things about me, like my self taught skill to love freely, and destroy it. You'll also leave, yet again, completely becoming oblivious to me fixing me for another one of you. And then we'll start again, like a never ending CYCLE.