The Procrastinator, The Feeler and I

I suppose I should say I'm back. To be quite frank I don't know how this will last, but I do know I need some form of escape from my tragic reality. 

I should tell you I've been writing in the comfort of my all my devices, but haven't really felt any of them honest enough or relatable enough to put up. Most of it has been about love and I really want to stray from that concept for a while. One thing I can attest to is that these past couple of months have chipped away parts of me gradually. I've made it a point, to myself at least, to be as open and honest about my mental and emotional health. I debated whether it is okay to speak about it here; a fear of being judged or sounding in need of pity from strangers and friends have been great motivators to keep the deeper chaos to self. But I figured, as usual, someone might need to know they're not struggling alone because I do.

The past weeks I've had to admit to myself that I might need help, to declutter my life, to remember how not to be too affected and unnaturally attached to my past and people. I've sabotaged myself out of fear and worry, that if I keep giving too much, it is not for my benefit and you still get hurt either way. So I became somewhat a taker of things and emotions and didn't know what to do with all of it. 

I had my birthday a few weeks back. The start of a beautiful and chaotic season of Geminis. I was too preoccupied with the events and meaning of that day that my normal habit or rather ritual of praying and retracing my life with age became somewhat unimportant. Just as May came to an end, I was reminded of that very essential task I should've taken to heart, to retrospect. What the hell Am Doing here? 

I remembered me from 2017 till now. I refer a lot to this year because that one year, I'd felt particularly hollow and as though I'd sleep walked through life serving others and not me. In a way, that hollow part seems to have revisited me this year though I hid perfectly behind rooting out love as my only focus. Not that it was wrong to focus on that part of living but it is disturbing how I kept it separate from everything else.

To be honest it is an excruciating task to time travel, to step out of yourself and really look, it's depressing. I've had good years and tumultuous ones. Remembering just how I'd been in 2019 almost tore me apart. Self motivated, easily aware of every and anything around me, compassionate, artistic, honest, unafraid and had friends I could count on my one hand and a love that wasn't near me. 

Don't ask me what happened, I'm yet to figure it all out. Am I still the same person? Absolutely not. I practiced caution after July 2020 and again after October and I spiralled since. I went a little too far in the "not paying attention to anything", unaware of myself, energies and my surroundings. And I suppose that happens at some point in life. I've been exercising patience and tolerance hoping it'll reignite my full charge to experiencing things as well as people and yet, here I am complaining about it all. 

So, when June started I decided I had to do something. Let me tell you, what I had decided in that one day was apocalyptic to the person I am, and that it would only feed this shell I've possessed. I decided not to feel. I laugh at this now though it wasn't so funny then. I'll leave the details of that day out but if you're reading this and you're an empath, a feeler, or an emotionally "have my shit together" type of person, don't switch it off. It's dark and it's empty and serves no purpose in reminding you of you.

I cried that night though. The next day, I picked up a book I'd postponed for years, Danielle Steel's Vanished, and read it to Moonchild's Voyager album. When it comes to literature, I'm generally not a lovey dovey damsel in distress fiction reader, but I did know I had outgrown my liking toward self-help/development books. I understand their allure but, yeah not my speed. So Vanished it is. I guess I need to relive something semi-honest and I'll say multi-faceted. Besides that, I've sparked my self motivation, Hurray I suppose. Mpho Seleteng's comment about being cognisant about how you speak to and about yourself even as a joke did something to me. "I can't" "I shouldn't" "I am not" "I am" and all negative thoughts and words play a part in your movements. If you insist on thinking it, you'll speak it, then feel it, and if you feel it, you'll do it

     THOUGHTS ➡️WORDS➡️EMOTION/FEELING➡️ACTION.

It was a small thing said but great in impact. I have to learn to at least practice complete honesty with myself instead of half-assing it. Though a lot is still falling apart and it's hard to be hopeful in the morning honestly (for me) and I understand why. I am cognisant of the fact that I have no full control of the next day's challenges, nor can I manifest those challenges, so like my Father says, TRY. I think I've understood the importance of confrontations with one's own self. I've valued my incessant need to know where the problem is or what caused the issue so I know how to fix it if I can. Understanding that no one is going to know you better than you, or enough to save you. Your trails are yours specially created for you. It also helps sometimes remembering that everyone else is battling something. However, I've wanted someone that understood that sometimes, perhaps too often, the storm is me, the chaos is me and hope that they'll know what to do with me... Now I have to learn to be all of it for myself. 

This is a random mental check. Thank You and I'll see you soon. 

CHECK ON YOUR LOVED ONES.