TO YOU I OWE LOVE

 I owe you so much. A thank you, a lifetime of hugs and complete messages to remind you not to break my love. I have, on so many occasions given freely what belongs to you; to you I owe love. I have learned to live as if there's plenty time to feel, to endure, to laugh and be a person one of these days. I have lost and have not cried enough to unload enough. I have neglected the part where, unseen and unheard, you too are a living being. I stopped writing, completely discarded all the fire in exchange for a beautiful chaos with a face. I put my heart on pause thinking it needed to breathe a little and how wrong I was is evidence now of all the things that took and took and never gave back. 

They left, all of them. They promised to be there, to show up, I thought maybe I was unfair and a bit too harsh or lacking in my manner. I took your love, I demolished it bit by bit and chipped away at it until I had a little left for you and for this I owe you everything and all what God would smile at. My nerve, my audacity indeed but I do owe you love. I sat today in this unfamiliar place and thought of all the things that led us here. I was a brain before I was a heart, in that I gave chaos my heart to do with as it pleased. I owe you truth, to make whatever you want of this tragedy of my distorted reality I am too ashamed to show the world. It is me wishing so badly to hide, to ask for a do over and be better and shake hands with heart calling a truce and ask mind to second chair for a while.

I'd love to see me from your point of view again. You fueled my ways of passion purposely. You hardly try too much even when we both struggle to find a page in the story we like. I gained another angel about a week back. She left me a sister, the only one from my roots that hasn't left. That's why getting you back and paying you back will allow me to love on her as I should, as she deserves. But to you, my love, I owe a great love, one unshaken and undisturbed, so fierce and so full it radiates. Self.