Dear Lucia, God waved His Hand today.
I lost. I lost deeply this week, so many battles. I can't even begin to tell you what it is I feel but the first thing I know is this loss I carry. April will be my undoing. I'm ruined, tortured and halfway through broken like its 2017 all over again. I stand in this room and relive my routine every morning. It has no meaning, it surely does not benefit me anymore. I'm alone in this madness. Today I went crazy and I almost loved it. I sat at my table, beautiful view with nothing to see and no one to admire, and all I saw was my anxiety starring directly back at me. I was overwhelmed by tremendous fear. Oh Lucia, the sight of it crippled me. Suddenly my dream flashed back into my psyche. In this dream it was my brother, and for that I did nothing today but let my tears flow. I had this deadline hovering over my head, two more in a matter of 5 days and Hope, Baby Hope, at just 4 months had died without me even meeting her. Imagine, all that love, all that fragility ...